


Lift Me Up

by ca_te



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Reaction Ficlet, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 16:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8497048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: Before Victor came barging into his life, Yuuri didn't know what love was. Then Victor arrived and lifted his heart up.Ep 5 reaction ficlet!





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Yuri On Ice fanfic. It is a reaction fic to s01 ep05. It follows canon, going through moments of the ep, but as you'll see it has also small additions ;) Comments are loved!  
> Also, I'm open for prompts! Throw them in [my Tumblr askbox](http://bluecloudsupabove.tumblr.com/ask)

~~~~_Beautiful mind_

_Your heart got a story with mine_

[Ellie Goulding - Still Falling For You]

 

__1\. Realization_ _

 

It is hard, the way his mind seems to weigh more than his whole body. Sometimes he finds himself wondering how the ice hasn’t broken yet. A million shards under his feet. He can feel droplets of sweat running down his nape, the strain in his shins, the scraping of the blades on the ice. And above it all, Victor’s gaze on him.

No one has ever looked at Yuuri as he does - he is a demanding coach, stern even at times, and yet there is something underneath it all. Something Yuuri doesn’t want to dwell on too much, because to hope and then fall would hurt him more than anything else he has experienced so far.

And so he keeps working on his free programme, over and over, until he gets back home with bloodied feet. He never lets Victor see his open wounds, even though there is a part of him that aches for the comfort of his hands, of his smile.

*

“Dance as if you’re seducing me, Yuuri.”

The first time that Victor utters the words, Yuuri skitters to an halt in the middle of the rink, breath stuttering in his lungs. A thought blossoms in his worried mind, isn’t it what he has been doing more or less subconsciously all this time? Since Victor barged into his life, Yuuri has always strived to be worth of the attention, the dedication, even the simple time that Victor had bestowed upon him. And always he has felt a step behind, too unsure, not precise enough, not attractive enough.

“What...what do you mean?”

Victor chuckles and Yuuri can feel himself shivering down to his toes.

“I mean what I just said, Yuuri. Move and think that I’m the only one who exists.”

Yuuri’s cheeks feel hot, his heart thudding in his ears. The thing is now that Victor is here, Yuuri needs him more than he has ever needed anything else. This weird, unknown feeling that keeps rooting just under his heart, in a small empty place which he didn’t even know existed.

“Victor, I…”

“Do it, do it for me.”

And so he does, all through the rest of practice, minutes morphing into hours, as the world fades away. There are only Victor’s instructions and his constant attentive gaze.

****

  1. _Under the pressure of his fingertips_



The day of the competition downs upon him after a sleepless night. A dread dark as midnight settles at the bottom of his stomach. He cannot lose, not this time. What if Victor will abandon him then? Yuuri dresses and checks his bag one last time before making his way to the entrance hall.

“Yuuri-kun, won’t you eat something before the competition?”, his mother asks and Yuuri simply shakes his head. He is so nervous that he can feel his whole body tensing and, oddly enough seeing his binge-eating past, he can’t even think about food.

He simply sits there, waiting for Victor, trying to tie down his thoughts that flap their wings like crazed sparrows in his head.

Victor’s fingertips come as a surprise as they brush his shoulder and then up his neck. They tug gently at his hair. “Smile more, would you?”, he mutters softly. Yuuri can’t get himself to lift his gaze.

*

The ride is a quiet affair. Minako-sensei chatters along with Takeshi. Victor is just as quiet as he is, and Yuuri can’t help thinking that somehow he has already managed to disappoint him. He can feel the telltale signs of panic clogging up his throat, when Victor’s hand closes firmly around his. Yuuri stares at their joined fingers and something unclogs inside his chest.

This has been happening more often over the past months - the casual touches that he is learning to accept, the hugs, the smiles. It is as though Victor is teaching him a new language. To express all that sometimes he is not able to put into words.

For once he allows himself to hold on and doesn’t let go of Victor’s hand until the car pulls up in front of the ice palace.

*

Once inside, Victor disappears and Yuuri is left to face the anxiety that bubbles up at the sight of the other contestants getting ready, the reporters, the cameras.

A small part of him will never get used to this the way Victor is, to this constant being laid bare for strangers’ eyes to see. He is not as good at keeping his nature locked away - the hopes, the ambition, the fears. When he used to look at Victor as he skated, all he could see was compact beauty. Of course he had always known that there was something luminous under the surface of Victor’s precise jumps, his expressive face, but it was all so controlled, constantly underwraps. He cannot do that.

As minutes trickle by, Yuuri grows more and more nervous. He needs his coach, he needs Victor to be here. And of course that is when he makes his appearance. Yuuri can’t help but stare. This is the first time he has ever seen Victor in a suite and there is no denying the pull that he feels somewhere deep down, hidden places he has just skirted around so far. The other man is gorgeous in black, his legs long and elegant, his eyes like two specks of summer sky.

*

“Yuuri, turn around.”

He is surprised, mostly by the unusual undertone in Victor’s voice, but he complies. He always does when Victor demands something from him. He always will.

The air leaves his lungs in a soft whoosh as Victor hugs him. It is deliberate, firm. It feels like being dragged in a safe place, finally, in a place where there’s only the two of them, like in practice.

Victor’s breath caresses his neck, “Seduce me with everything you’ve got. If you can put up a performance good enough to charm me, then everyone here will be enthralled by you. Don’t I always tell you that at practice?”

Yuuri nods, heart too big to be contained. Certainly a ribcage shouldn’t be able to contain all this...what is it? What is this feeling?

 

  1. _Am I enough?_



Of course he can feel it; he can feel that he is not up to the Onsen on ice performance. His muscles are stiff, his mind a jumble of worries. The Grand Prix Final seems so far away from this ice rink, where he tries to chase something he cannot grab.

Victor’s reaction is tepid, as Yuuri expected. It burns, not the humiliation, because he cannot bring himself to care about the public and the other skaters just now, but the knowledge that he has let down the only person that matters in all this.

When Victor states that he should think about lowering the difficulty of his jumps, everything inside Yuuri goes still. He knows Victor might be right, he knows he should listen, but what if he never gets back up this way? What if he keeps skidding away from the skater that deep down he knows he can be, from the man that Victor expects out of him?

*

Night comes and Yuuri finds himself wide awake, staring out of his room’s window. The hotel is a small building not far from the ice palace. Minako-sensei had booked it for all of them: four rooms, his and Victor’s on the same floor. The gesture touched him; she has been by his side all these years and she retains the uncanny ability to read right through him. She must have realized how much Victor’s very presence calms him. But Victor is not here now, as the clock ticks its way to 1 am and he can’t do anything else but breathe and try not to let himself fall prey to fear.

The knock is so soft that for a moment he thinks he has imagined it. But then comes Victor’s voice.

“Yuuri...I imagine you were still awake.”

He doesn’t turn, just listens to the footsteps and when Victor’s arms wrap around him it doesn’t come as a surprise, not this time. Yuuri allows himself to lean into the embrace. They stay silent for a while, just gazing out of the window. Victor is warm against his back. Once more he is proving to be ready to meet Yuuri halfway, to grab him instead than letting him fall.

“Don’t you want to tell your coach what is bothering you?”

Victor’s tone is light and playful, but tonight Yuuri needs to be grounded, needs to feel like he is standing on something thicker than ice for once.

“Am I enough?”

Victor huffs, the breath warm against the shell of Yuuri’s ear.

“But of course you are. You have the talent, Yuuri, you just have to focus and believe more in yourself”.

Yuuri exhales. This is not all he needs to know. He wants to be brave this time.

“Am I enough for you?”, he asks. Victor’s arms tighten around him.

“Yes, you are.”

 

  1. _My heart for you_



Mimami-kun is bright as a star there on the ice. His small body is one with the music and Yuuri can’t help but stare.

Once again he is grateful that Victor has opened his eyes and forced him to recognized he was being a poor sport. He has always had all the support he could have hoped for, he should have learned to give it himself by now. Victor’s disappointment in him hurt, like a punch in the stomach, though. It pulses like an open wound, and Yuuri wishes he could just take time and pull it back, until the previous night, when Victor had smiled and made him promise he would go to sleep.

There’s something free and pure about Minami-kun and the way he dances. It makes Yuuri wistful, nostalgic even. He doesn’t remember what it felt like when he began skating. Years of worries and battles with himself have left him weary.

As he watches Minami-kun progress with his free programme, though, a new resolve hardens inside of him. He knows - he has felt it more and more since Victor arrived in Japan - that something is shifting, blossoming inside of him. He just has to learn how to let it out. He owes it to Victor, and he owes it to himself.

*

“This costume is great. You look beautiful in it.”

Yuuri can see that sweetness is back at the bottom of Victor’s eyes. It still amazes him how someone as self centered and talented as Victor can care so openly about him.

He lets him pet his hair into submission, only mildly aware that they are in front of an audience and not in an empty ice palace as always.

Just few weeks ago he would have run a mile before letting Victor this close, but now his fingers spreading balm on his lips are welcome like a long desired caress. He lets the other man pull him close; he can feel Victor’s strong shoulders under the coat, he can smell the mixture of soap and something minty that Victor’s pale skin carries.

It just feels _right_ , the closeness, this dialogue without words that makes him feel grounded and...loved.

*

Yuuri lets the notes drip into him, slowly at first and then in a crescendo. The music takes him by the hand and he simply follows. The initial nervousness, the worry of making a fool of himself, fade and leave space to a different feeling, a tingling that spreads through him as he moves.

The quads come up one after the other, inevitable, but something has changed inside him. Jumps and spins do not loom over him anymore, he just slides into them. The music is the only thing that matters, that and Victor.

Yuuri briefly wonders if this is how Victor himself feels when he skates. Does he feel lighter? As if someone is lifting his thoughts, his very heart up? Away from the ice, from the audience, right into the arms of what matters the most?

He bends in an Ina Bauer and is struck by a simple thought, clear as day - he wants to know. He wants to know how Victor feels, what he thinks, what he went through as he grew up.

*

His lungs are burning with the need for air, Yuuri can feel blood beginning to drip from his nose, but still he stands. The applause, the cheers and whistles rain on him and it feels like being born again. He knows he won’t be able to leave all uncertainties and fears behind, but he is also acutely aware that he is moving forward. And that’s also thanks to Victor.

Yuuri squirms as his coach covers his face with his hands - did he do badly? Is Victor angry because he disobeyed him? But then Victor opens his arms and something inside Yuuri blossoms. This is what he has been wanting all along? To be recognized, to be accepted, to be loved by this beautiful man?

*

Yuuri blinks against the lights and grips the microphone a bit tighter. _Give me the strength to let this out, to show him what I truly mean._

“My theme is this year’s Grand Prix series is love.”

He knows he has mentioned this to Victor when they finally decided that the music for his free programme would be “Yuuri on Ice”, but saying this to the world, outside of the safe intimacy of practice, is a completely different matter.

“Victor is the first person I have ever wanted to hold on to.”

And it is so painfully, intrinsically true. He has always needed and cherished his family’s support. Friends is something he has never truly knows except for Phichit and the Nishigoris. Victor is an universe away.

“I don’t really have a name for that emotion, but I’ve decided to call it love.”

Yuuri has thought long and hard about this. He has never experienced romantic love before, as other people seem to do. He has never desired someone physically before. And no one has ever accepted him as completely as Victor has.

“Now that I know what love is and I am stronger for it, I’ll prove it to myself with a Grand Prix Final gold medal!”

His heart is drumming a wild rhythm against his ribcage, his head feels light, but Yuuri is already thinking about Victor, waiting for him at the onsen, about the man who has managed to lift him up with a simple smile.

 ~~~~  
  
  



End file.
